Packin it all in... dat's how we do 2006
Posted by sky_blade at 03:24 AM on January 26, 2006.
January 2006 went by so fast. Nothing very special but my dad having his 55th birthday. He was sick while celebrating his party. He wore the same face he had during Xmas and New Year.. the slightest trace of a smile.
Yes January run so fast. Will the rest of 2006 pass as swift? Or will it be longer than 2005? Most people will say, "I can't believe it's already '06... funny how time goes by unnoticed" Some people are happy for the new year. Some people are not.. mostly because that means they're getting older, that time is running out. I have a vague feeling of 2005. It seemed to be the longest and richest year of my life. I am happy it's over but if I'm given the option to go back, I will. Because it was the time when I showed love and I greatly appreciated the love my Mom has given me all these years. I just didn’t realize that it would be that short.
Early 2005, my mom’s sickness from cancer was getting worse. She was getting thinner each and everyday- getting no sleep from the pain and discomfort of her treatment. I was seeing that she’s not getting any better but I did my best to think hopeful. But part of that, I cannot gather much strength to bear seeing her suffer like that. I kept making myself believe that she’s gonna be alright soon, so I just have to live my life as normal as possible not knowing that I’m focusing on things that aren’t important. I was blind.. clueless that she was dying. The confusion greatly affected every aspect of my life. I was totally lost, afraid of what might happen. It took a lot for me to accept that my mom was sick and that’s when I thought that she needed me more than anything else. I quitted work. I became firm that I would take care of her until everything goes well.
Mom was hospitalized two weeks before she passed away. Those two weeks were the most precious for me because that was the time when I got to show her how much I love her and that I can be strong for her even when deep inside I was feeling weak and scared that anytime I’d lose her. My mom’s love was as strong. She told me she didn’t want to die because she’s too worried about me being alone. She’s afraid I might not take care of myself well. She said she can endure the pain of her sickness just so she can be with me. I had a lot of thoughts during those two weeks. It wasn’t easy seeing my mom dying. I wanted to end the suffering she’s in but that would mean letting her go. But letting her stay is selfish. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore so I just did what I can—I stayed by her side and made her feel comfortable and hopeful. I did what I thought was right but I still know that I was too late and it was not enough. Until now, I still feel that I should’ve done more and God should’ve given me more time to let me tell her and show her how much I love her. “I love you and I’m sorry,” those were the last words I said to my Mom right before she passed away. That was the only time I can remember I said those words to her.
After my Mom passed away, I was at a total lost. All my life was meant just for her. I tried achieving all my goals in life and tried to be the best person I can just for my Mom. Now that she’s gone, I found no purpose for my life no more. I felt like everything past was a waste and everything that will happen is pointless. I have no one to offer anything to. I felt derelict. I tried to live life normally but it wasn’t the same. Everything reminds me of my Mom. People, places, songs, things at home.. everything. I felt trapped and didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. I just stayed home- drained. Yes, friends were there to cheer me up and I greatly appreciate it but still, when I find myself alone, sadness just dawns pitch black on me. I cried countless days as if tears would bring my mom back. I felt so wasted. I had a lot of idle days and I thought I was getting crazy. Yet those idle days had me thinking that my mom won’t be happy seeing me like this- trashy and incapable. I thought hard of what would’ve wanted me to be… and I thought she just wanted me to be happy. Plus a very special person made me realize that I can get through everything and that I have great friends around. I did what he said.. so I put enormous effort on keeping myself busy and entertained and thank God I have very supportive friends. I went out of the country to at least forget and try to pretend like nothing happened. I spent more time with my dad and my relatives and even old friends and I guess it helped a lot. I learned to appreciate other people’s love and concern better. Know their importance and how I affect them and vice versa. I gained the courage to tell people how special they are to me which I never really did before. Tell them how I feel for them coz I don’t want anything said too late ever again- even the littlest things. I somehow knew how to do away with concealing my feelings and restricting myself. Most specially, I gathered enough strength to live life the way I want it to be. 2005- I had my greatest lost, but I sure gained a lot from it.
I can say that I am in total control of my life now. No one tells me what to do and no one tells me what I need. I decide for myself now and no one tells me if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I didn’t see it coming and I swear it’s so hard. Now, I’m trying to learn ways- I never realized that even thinking of what to have for breakfast can be too complex. I never knew of independence but if this is what I’m having now then hell it’s too tough. It seems to me like I’m living a new life now. I somehow lost a big part of myself the past year and now I’m trying to pull myself back together. Everything is like a first. Just like the holidays- first Xmas without a mom, first New Year without a mom. I wasn’t even thinking I’d survive that. It was the loneliest Xmas and New Year ever… of course I was, again, crying and yeah I was alone at home. But with the grace of friends, it was fine. 2006 is the first year without a mom. And yeah we did dad’s birthday without her.. his birthday wish- to bring my mom back. We wished the same though we both know it’s impossible.
2006 will surely fly fast.. but as for me, I’m going to take it real slow and savor each and every “firsts.” The best thing I learned from what happened- life is too short, pack everything in… coz you’ll never know when it’s too late.
Imma live life until I see her again
my fave pic of her...
Currently listening to: Kanye West- Heard Em Say
Currently reading: Memoirs of a Geisha
